Turmoil in Progress

Quittig Rice

I came from a country where rice should always be present in a meal. From breakfast to dinner, there're different kinds of rice. Rice is a major factor of this weight loss plan because when I start eating rice, I won't stop until there's any rice left inside the rice cooker. Quitting rice would really be a real challenge.

Yesterday, I started not to eat rice. I ate the fish mom cooked yesterday. It was totally hard eating it without rice, but I made a pact and I'm gonna keep it. Last night, I tried not to eat before 6 but I felt really hungry so I ate 2 pieces from the broiled chicken I was saving for today. I know I shouldn't really eat after 6 but I had to do it. This diet is not meant to starve myself, it's for me to control my food intake and be happy.

Weight Blog

A week ago, I checked on my weight and I was surprised to see that I've already reached the heaviest weight I ever had in my entire life. A fucking 291lbs.! I was initially shocked. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I don't feel like I'm getting bigger, but this freak digital weight scale tells me otherwise.

I felt devastated. I'm starting to get depressed again. How could let this happen? I looked back, and figured out that between those ice creams, pizzas, burgers, and huge amounts of Korean food, this happened. How could I do this to myself? I mean how could not take care of myself. And now, my self-confidence just went down the drain.

And so, I decided to try different methods that I've tried before. Some of them worked like wonders, and some of them just didn't work out as I've heard they would. But still, I want to try. I don't want to be this big. I've always wanted to stay chubby, but not like this. On Gabriel Iglesias' levels of chubbiness, I'd be: "Damn!"

Ok, so absolutely no rice, no eating after 6, less fat, less sodium, less sugar, less carbs. And of course, no diet is ever effective without exercise, so for now, walking - half to one hour walk sounds nice. I'll go and sign up for gym after I move to Bay Area. I've always wanted to swim. Like swim everyday for an hour - Oh god, that's the best workout. I'm thinking about staying late more, because I lost a lot of weight when I was doing English lessons. I was like, go to work 4 in the morning, walk home, I ate a lot, but I go to sleep like 1, 2am tops.

And so, I would be taking notes of my progress, and be writing it here. Any weight losing advice would be so much appreciated, noted that you know that I don't want to lose too much weight. Just wanna be the Choi 7 years ago. Chubby and cute at 210lbs. Wish me luck! ;)

Travel Time

For the last year, I've been to lots of places. Most of them, I haven't even thought about going.

First, was last year's migration. United States? Who would've thought I'd pass the interview. When the appointment came, I was totally surprised because I almost started to give up the American dream. After the interview, I didn't wait too long to fly to America. I was sad, I was in shock, I was afraid. It was my first time to ride a plane. Time to leave my life behind.

Coming to San Francisco, I thought about Manila most of the time. Everything was different. I looked around, and everything seemed so big. As I walked the streets of San Francisco, I didn't really feel I belong. Everyone is a stranger. I didn't really feel like I was home. I rode the bus, I rode a train, I met my mom, and I started to fit in. I was not alone anymore. Things went better.

A few months later, came Sidney. He showed me Sacramento, and the beauty of San Francisco. I felt more at home. Most of my later travels are with him. I remember he would drive from the Bay area to Sacramento and back, two times. I felt sorry for him because it's just too far, and the car was just rented. Too much stress, too much money. So I looked for a more convenient way for us to meet. I have to ride a cab, and 3 trains. Travel time: 3 hours. I spend 6 hours a week to go back and forth from Sacramento to Bay Area. Cost: $55 - $82, one way. But it was alright. I get to see Sidney, he won't be too tired, I could play my games, we could walk around San Francisco, and sometimes watch a movie or two.

On my birthday last year, we went to Six Flags, the one close to Fairfield. It was a lot of fun. I got to see some animals, and animal shows, and get on on some rides. There's a lot of things to do in Six Flags. A lot of walking as well. I couldn't forget the tiger show and the one with the dolphins. A great birthday it was.

Then we went to the San Francisco Zoo. I didn't know zoos were cool. Apparently, a few years back, a tiger went lose on this zoo. It killed a person and injured another. In my opinion, it wasn't really the tiger's fault. There were rumors that the guys that were causing trouble for the poor animal. They threw rocks and rattled the tiger's den. Too bad for them, and too bad for the tiger because they had to put him to sleep. Anyway, there was this farm-like area inside the zoo were you can pet and feed the animals. The goats were pretty scary. The pigs were so cute. And the llamas were just too hungry. Loved it.

When Sidney's mom came to US, I met her and we went to see more of Sacramento. We went to old Sacramento and went inside a train museum. It was fun to meet her mom. She was so nice and cool.

Then after a while, opportunity arose. Cheap tickets and hotel accommodations to Seattle, WA. Sweet. It was my second time to ride a plane. It was still pretty scary for me. What can you do in Seattle for 2 days? A lot. We went to the Space needle. It was amazingly high. We went to the public market. We went to the EMP and the Sci-Fi Museum. Very cool places. Went to two museums, and one of them is the Museum of Mysteries. There you can get infos about UFOs, Paranormal activities, Witchcrafts, and more. And then we went to eat at Crab Pot. Delicious Seafood! Seattle is one of the places in the US where I would like to go over and over again.

After a while, we decided to go to Napa, and Sonoma, CA. It was me, Sidney, and his best friend, Fabrisio who went there. We did some wine tasting. And later in the afternoon, we had a picnic by a small lake. The weather was just right and the cheese and wine were great. A very nice country experience.

We scheduled another trip before 2009 ended. We went to Lake Tahoe. It's the first time I get to see and touch snow. Most of the people in our country would dream about experiencing some snow. They thought it was cool and fun and happy. But snow wasn't as cool as I imagined. It's just too cold and depressing most of the time. I told Sidney, I couldn't believe I wanted to see and hold something that I could literally see and touch inside the freezer, only in huge amounts. But nonetheless, Lake Tahoe was a lot of fun. We stayed in Truckee. There's not a lot of things to do there. Well, at least for me. There are snowboarders, skiers, and stuffs you could do in the snow. I get to ride Snowmobiles this time. And yes, it was my first time. The mountain sceneries are just so cool. The snow is so white and looks so clean, you could eat them. And that I did too. After that we rode all the way to Nevada. And get to see a small part of the state. And there's not much I could say about it.

Early this year, Sidney's cousins came to US. We went around San Francisco, and Santa Cruz, and Monterey, and Carmel. Sidney's cousins were the coolest. They have this strong bond which I admire the most. These trips weren't as exciting as the ones we had. But it was a lot of fun to just hang out and talk and keep up.

Recently, we went to Los Angeles. We went to Hollywood to see the Kodak Theater, the Chinese theater, the Wax museum, and Ripley's museum. Los Angeles is full of people, tourists and locals. Lots of people means lots of traffic. The traffic in Los Angeles is the worst I've experienced. The next day we went to the Griffith Observatory and Santa Monica. Must-go places.

Travelling is a lot of fun. Specially when you're not the one driving. I go to Bay Area every weekend and ride two 2-hour trains. I like looking outside the window and just unwind and leave your worries along the tracks. It's easy to get lost in the beauty of our planet as you go around its corners. It's very relaxing and somehow invigorating. I want to travel more. I want to see more of the world. And here I come. :)

Unsent

Dear Zhamd,
I like you a lot. I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that. I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and want to come visit me in California, I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song.

Dear Nebz,
I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me, and think solely about themselves, and you were plenty self-absorbed for my taste at the time. I used to say the more emo the better. The truth is whenever I think of 2009 your face comes up with its innocence like it was yesterday.

Dear Ina,
I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me. I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your arms and cry in front of you for the first time. You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me?

Dear Reid,
You rocked my world. You had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about having a home, and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass. But I couldn't really feel you were giving as much effort to me as I did to you, and that stopped us from going any further than we did. It's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun.

Dear Teken,
We learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as you do. The long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could. we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. I will always have your back and be curious about you, about your career, and your whereabouts.

[edited from the song Unsent by Alanis Morissette]

Final Fantasy XIII

Final Fantasy XIII's plot may look really confusing the first time you jump in on Cocoon City. Let me break it down for you guys, here's what happened [based on my progress]:

There's this world called Pulse, inhabited by the fal'Cie. Now, the fal'Cie are crystal supernatural beings with great powers [e.g. Anima]. There they made a group called Cocoon fal'Cie which made a paradise that floats on the surface of Pulse, called the City of Cocoon. Most of the citizens of Cocoon hasn't even seen what Pulse is. All they know is that Pulse is a very dangerous place, and anyone who makes contact with anything related to Pulse would be "purged" (be quarantined and exiled) to Pulse.

The fal'Cie has the ability to brand people the power of the crystals and send them on special missions, called Focus. The people sent on this mission are called the l'Cie. Failure to do the focus makes an l'Cie become a ghoul called Cie'th, this also happens when your time to complete the focus runs out. Completing the focus turns the l'Cie into a crystal and is said to given eternal life.

:) That's all I got for now. Can't wait to go further into the game.

Nothing..

How can someone hurt you so bad in just a matter of seconds...

It's true what they say: The one you loved the most can hurt you most..

Bioshocked Again!

Getting to be a "Big Daddy" is an just awesome. It's like seeing Rapture in another point of view. When I was walking the halls of Rapture, I get this feeling of Nostalgia -- It felt like, nothing can surprise me now. But as I go on with the game I find that Rapture has so much more to offer.

Now that the player is a "Big Daddy" you are now to protect [or not] the little sisters from harm, and harvest as much adam as you can [or not]. But the Big sisters are on the way, including a new antagonist, Sophia Lamb. Most of the fights are pre-assigned, meaning you know a battle will be commencing in a certain area. This will give you time to prepare for every battle, reload your weapons, restock your items, plant some traps, and save your game. It might sound easy but every harvest is like an ambush. Like a bunch of splicers, big daddies, and big sisters all up to get you.

About the controls and the gameplay, being able to dual wielding is much better than the first Bioshock. The weapons and plasmid upgrades are just excellent. Being able to combine plasmids to make powerful traps is just so cool.

But I must say, this game would be nothing if the Bioshock is not as good. Story-wise, i think the original Bioshock offers a lot more twists and ideas. Bioshock 2 lacks freshness and complexity. But all-in-all it is a pretty good game. Replayability is above average. Thanks to 2K for the experience.

"For every choice, there is an echo. With each act, we change the world." - Sophia Lamb

"Love is a chemical, no matter what the origin. We give it meaning by choice." - Eleanor Lamb

The Missing Piece and The Big O

The Missing Piece is one of my favorite stories of all time. It was written by Shel Silverstein and was published as a children's picture book in 1976. It's a story about a piece's adventures in finding that piece that would make us complete. Do we really need another piece who will complete us? And when do you know if you found the perfect piece? Do we always have to have the answers to all our questions?

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O is another storybook by Shel Silverstein published in 1981. I think it was a sequel to The Missing Piece. The story is about finding yourself and knowing what you really want. Sometimes you can find the answers when you just stop and listen to yourself. Sometimes, we have the answers we've been looking for all along.

Me and You..

I love this song by Alanis Morissette titled Everything. It really tells much about me and how I take things. It's saying like, If you want to love me, you must accept everything about me. The good, the bad, the past, the present, what i have and don't have.. everything.. I can't change the way I am that easily.. This is what I call unconditional love, you know.. If you love me this way, I will do the same. :) Take me, or leave me.. simple.

Everything - Alanis Morissette

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind...
I can withhold like it's going out of style..
I can be the moodiest baby..

and you've never met anyone who's as negative as I am sometimes..

I am the wisest guy you've ever met..
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected..
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen..
And you've never met anyone who's as positive as I am sometimes..

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking..
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating..
I'm terrified and mistrusting..
And you've never met anyone as closed down as I am sometimes.

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know..
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go..

I'm the funniest guy you've ever known..
I am the dullest guy you've ever known..
I'm the most gorgeous guy you've ever known..
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes..

You see everything, you see every part,
You see all my light and you love my dark,
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed,
There's not anything to which you can't relate..
And you're still here..
And you're still here..
And you're still here...

My Early Suppressed Memories..

I can't believe how sad it feels being left alone..

It's sad to see people who became part of your life..

It's sadder to see them happy.. without you in their lives..

It made me think how much things would change if I never existed at all..

I bet things would be so much happier for everyone..

And you try to cheer yourself up..

But it hurts inside.. like a wound that won't fucking close..

I remember these thoughts.. I had them since I was a child..

I never really felt I belonged to anyone when I was a kid..

My grandfather would always tell everyone that I don't belong to the family..

That I'm a mistake.. a disgrace.. a no one..

I remember he would hurt me..

I remember him punching, hitting me..

I remember he slammed a chair on me and broke..

My mom would sometimes get in a fight with my grandfather..

But mostly, I would just run away to a corner and cry..

My dad was never there.. I didn't even know he existed..

I kept thinking that I am not a real son..

I thought I was adopted.. Iba talaga kapag anak ka sa labas..

I thought about running away or killing myself..

I guess this is the reason why I didn't get to be "Astigin" when I was a kid..

I isolated myself.. most of the people I grew up with became strong..

most of them have families now..

I never want them to ever see me again..

Anyway.. right now, the saddest part of all is..

The people that once made things easier..

The people I shared my life with..

They already forgot about me.. Suppressed.. the memories..

It's like nothing ever happened..

Thanks for the memories though..

I hope we never get to see each other again..

And if ever we did.. I hope not to remember..

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I never knew this movie musical would be so good. The songs are phenomenal.

There's this song called "The Origin of Love" and I swear it's a masterpiece. It's like every question I had about love and destiny were suddenly answered. I felt lighter. I feel like everything is clearer. Thanks to Hedwig. :)

Here's the video of the song, subbed with the lyrics. I hope you'll like it as much as I did. :) Enjoy.

The Origin of Love

Last time I saw you, we just split in two

you was looking at me, I was looking at you

you had a look so familiar, I could not recognize

cause you have blood in your face, I had blood in my eyes

but I could swear by your expression

that the pain down in your soul is the same one down in mine

that's the pain that cuts a straight line down through the hearts

and we all it Love...

Run Lola Run

And again another movie with powerful words. "Lola Rennt" or "Run Lola Run" is a 1998 German film. It shows how our choices affects everything that will happen. The smallest things that you do can change everything in bigger ways. Just like the movie "Next" by Nicholas Cage.

Whats good about this movie is that it has more running than talking. And when they talk, it's brief and powerful. Although the plot is very simple, it is not as predictable as I thought it would be. I typed in some of the lines in the movie. :)

"What if you never met me?... You'd be saying the same thing to someone else.."

"What would you do if I died?"

"I don't know. It's a stupid question."

"I know what you'd do. You'd forget me. What else could you do? Sure, you'd mourn for a few weeks. Not a bad idea. And everybody's really compassionate.. and everything's so incredibly sad, and everyone feels sorry for you. You can show everyone how strong you are. "What a great woman", they'll say. And all at once this really nice guy with green eyes shows up. And he's super sensitive, listens to you all day. And you can talk his ear off. Then you'd hop on his lap and cross me off your list. That's how it goes."

When it comes to loving someone, is everyone really this replaceable?

I've been in a lot of relationships before. When I think about it, on those moments, I felt this.. Love. but now that we've broken up, I am feeling this Love again to someone else. Did it mean that I didn't really mean what I felt my ex? Was it all fake? Did my Love for them just faded away? And how do we really know if it's the "genuine" love?

I guess this Love is a really really big thing. It cannot be contained or even be defined in words. I guess it's never meant to be thought about.. You just have to experience it, and feel it. I guess it's too early for me to be defining what it really is. :) Let's go and fall in Love! :)

Manila Manila

Manila, Manila, I keep coming back to Manila.. Simply no place like Manila.. Manila, I'm coming home..

Sometimes, I miss Manila. Specially when I hear news or see pictures about it. I remember the old times. When I was younger. When we used to place on the streets. When we go out and dance in the rain. When I ride the jeepneys and tricycles. When me and the guys wait up the alley and gang up on someone and take their money and cellphone.. -- [O.O] Kidding! -- Good times.. good times..

I never thought there would come a day that I would miss waking up in the morning and eat pan de sal and sinangag, or walking by the bumpy allies and streets, or drinking soda in a plastic bag, or ride the MRT, or just hang out with friends.. I thought those days would never end..

Manila. I grew up in Sampaloc, Manila. I lived in Manila from the day I was born 'til I was 8 years old. We used to live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. I remember how high our floor was. When I came back to our place in Sampaloc when I was 14, The rails from our terrace was up to my waist, but when I was younger I remember those rails to be taller than me!

But then we moved a lot inside Metro Manila - Quezon City, Mandaluyong City, Makati City, but everywhere is the same in Metro Manila. There's always a lot of things to do. You'll always have good friends. There will always be some drama. There will always be something to eat. There will always be home. [I miss the drama. lol]

Sad Movie

So, I was watching more sad movies last night. I saw an Ashton Kutcher movie, "A Lot Like Love," which failed to make me cry. I saw on an online review that it was a good sad movie but it didn't work for me. I think it was stupid. This is one of those movies you would forget over the weekend. Nothing but a repressed movie.

Anyway, I saw "Sad Movie," a korean movie, right after watching the stupid movie I was talking about a while ago. And, at last, a good sad movie that made me wet my pillow last night. It was a story of 8 people and how sad their lives were. Some of the lines were good. It made me cry and whine.

"You are lucky you can tell him you love him.." [said the mute sister, as she tried to speak]

She was totally right. We sometimes don't realize how lucky we are that we could fully show our emotions to others. I felt really sorry for the mute sister and for myself. I cried while she was trying to say those words.

I was really touched by the mother and son in the movie. It really showed how much a mother would sacrifice for her son. It showed how much of a person a mother could be. And it showed how much a son could care and love his mother. It was so painful.

Anyway, I've had enough of sad movies for now. I need to focus on a lot of things. I need to get another job, and enter school, and move out of here. I wish I could feel more relaxed. I would rather spend the whole day in front of a computer than deal with lots of difficult people. I want to start a computer career. My life is sad. [heheh] I'm glad I have a few people by my side who could turn my frown upside-down. Thank you.

Untamed Heart

Update about the last post I made. About the sad movies I said I wanted to watch. The thing is. The first movie I saw was so good it hurts so much. I felt like I didn't need to watch anymore.

Untamed Heart. 1993. Fuck the lines of this movie. Christian Slater and Marisa Tomei. I think I don't know who these actors are, but they're good. Definitely made me cry. Definitely.

"I was wondering if you think about me.. half as much as I think about you.."

"I'm afraid if they take my heart I won't be able to love you the same.. you are my peace.."

"You love with your mind and your soul.. not actually with your heart.."

"But why does it hurt so much here when you're not with me.."

"I've fallen.. I've fallen so much in love with you.. so much more than I told you I would.."

One Last Cry ;)

I've been feeling so emotionally disturbed. There's these emotions inside me that wants to be free. I wanna cry tonight. I wanna let it out. Every sad feeling that I have. All my frustrations, disappointments, loss, heartbreak, insanity, and loneliness.. I will cry it all out.

I will be renewed. Refreshed. With focus.

I will let go of all my worries. I will take risk and take the plunge. I will be free. :)

And to help me let it all out, I will be watching some very sad movies tonight. Wish me luck.

"I know I gotta be strong, 'Cause around me life goes on and on.."

One Last Cry - Marina Elali

The Lovely Bones

“These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections - sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent - that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events that my death wrought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.”

I love this line.

What if you were to die today? What do you believe will happen next? What will happen to you and everyone around you? What happens to the things you have been building all your life? Where will you go? How do you move on? These questions are like the ultimate questions of our existence. A lot of us avoid this questions because we are afraid to find the answers.. Strong answers that would shake us.

There is one thing that's sure about death though.. After you die, the world will not stop from turning. People will still keep moving on. And the moments you left in this world, the impact of your life -- and death -- to other people who knew you, will change their lives forever...

Who's Your Doggy?!

Do you have a pet? What's his name? Is it Max? Spot? Benjie? C'mon guys! You can do better than that! There's a lot of pet names that has been used over and over, and it's just sad. Think about being born in a world where you can't be yourself, a world where everyone is either a John or a Jane. That sucks. So please, guys. If you're gonna name a pet, be creative, at least. Your pet will love you for it. :D

So, how do we become creative with our pet's name? As a spontaneous person like myself, I loved naming my pets with random things that comes to my mind. I named my last goldfish "Porkchop". I named two of our cats as "Mom" and "Dad" [Inay at Itay]. (Just imagine how it would sound when I call for them at night, right?)

In my lifetime, We had soooooo many pets. We had dogs, cats, mice, birds, lizards, fish, pigs, lice, worms, pigs, spiders, you name it.. Our family has always been pet lovers. I think it's different when you grow up having pets. You become kinder and more sensitive. There was a time when a kitten fell to our backyard. We cared for it and welcomed it in our home. A few months later, we just realized we had 24 cats already. Each of them with a name different than the other. How do we know who's who? We named them after their markings. Do you know those inkblots the Psychologist show people, and ask them what it is? It's kinda like that.

Why become creative with a pet's name? Well, you can always be a mediocre pet owner, right? I think one of the advantages of having a cool pet's name is that it's always a good icebreaker. Specially when a boring person. [lol] If you find yourself in an akward situation, you can always say, "I named my dog Herpes." or "Last night I was dreaming about Porkchops."

Personally, I think the name Herpes is the bomb. I read someone named his dog Herpes and he was like, ""hey my Herpes broke out last night, have you seen it?", "I didn't want to give Herpes to my sister but my mom said I had to.", "The thing about Herpes is once you have him you'll never let him go!", "I had to pay $600 for Herpes shots today!", and "My Herpes broke out and put my neighbor in the hospital." This is hilarious! xD [thanks tshp]

So, what are good pet names? Well, there are these names that demand attention like: Hey, Hey You, Left, Right, Help, Stop, Psycho, Snatcher, or Bomb. Or you can name them as people like: Mister, Miss, Baby, Mr.President, your teacher's name, someone you knew, your neighbor's name, or your neighbor's cat name[if you have a dog]. This two categories are good if you and your pet our outside. People will definitely look at you. Or arrest you. You can also name them as food like: Spaghetti, Carrot, Onion, Apple Juice, Porkchop, Chowder, Coke, or whatever your favorite [or least favorite] food is. You can also name them with random terms, places, phrases, or event like: 4 hours, iPod, Destroyer, Herpes, Agent 99, It's complicated, Burger King, Johnny Depp, Ultra Killatron Omega 5000X, Elven_Master051, or even Chuck Norris. Anything.

The sky is the limit to having a BadAss name for your pet. Just make sure the name fits on their tags. And please, no obscene or insulting names. It's for your own good.

Just Trippin'

Last weekend, I met my boyfriend's cousin, Claudio, and his wife, Yuka. We had a lot of fun touring San Francisco, Santa Cruz, and Monterey. Monterey is like the Clam Chowder capital of America. In every store/restaurant, they will give a sample of their Secret Clam Chowder.

Thanks for the wondurful time, guys! Happy Anniversary! And Congratulations! Hope to see you again soon. :)

A week before that I met Sidney's other cousin, Claudio's brother, Danilo and his wife, Fernanda. We had lots of fun in San Francisco! Thanks for sharing with me the joy of Jumping Pics.

Shaking the Shackles 2...

I feel so sad.. How can doing something good turn out to be something bad.. or unwanted..

It's not like I have a vice or anything...

I'm no smoker..

I don't drink that much...

I don't spend compulsively..

Put your money where your mouth is..

Why don't you do the things you say?

All I wanted is to make you smile..

But still you took it the wrong way...

I am still the wrong one..