Turmoil in Progress: Rant

Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts

Unsent

Dear Zhamd,
I like you a lot. I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that. I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and want to come visit me in California, I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song.

Dear Nebz,
I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me, and think solely about themselves, and you were plenty self-absorbed for my taste at the time. I used to say the more emo the better. The truth is whenever I think of 2009 your face comes up with its innocence like it was yesterday.

Dear Ina,
I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me. I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your arms and cry in front of you for the first time. You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me?

Dear Reid,
You rocked my world. You had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about having a home, and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass. But I couldn't really feel you were giving as much effort to me as I did to you, and that stopped us from going any further than we did. It's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun.

Dear Teken,
We learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as you do. The long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could. we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. I will always have your back and be curious about you, about your career, and your whereabouts.

[edited from the song Unsent by Alanis Morissette]

Nothing..

How can someone hurt you so bad in just a matter of seconds...

It's true what they say: The one you loved the most can hurt you most..

My Early Suppressed Memories..

I can't believe how sad it feels being left alone..

It's sad to see people who became part of your life..

It's sadder to see them happy.. without you in their lives..

It made me think how much things would change if I never existed at all..

I bet things would be so much happier for everyone..

And you try to cheer yourself up..

But it hurts inside.. like a wound that won't fucking close..

I remember these thoughts.. I had them since I was a child..

I never really felt I belonged to anyone when I was a kid..

My grandfather would always tell everyone that I don't belong to the family..

That I'm a mistake.. a disgrace.. a no one..

I remember he would hurt me..

I remember him punching, hitting me..

I remember he slammed a chair on me and broke..

My mom would sometimes get in a fight with my grandfather..

But mostly, I would just run away to a corner and cry..

My dad was never there.. I didn't even know he existed..

I kept thinking that I am not a real son..

I thought I was adopted.. Iba talaga kapag anak ka sa labas..

I thought about running away or killing myself..

I guess this is the reason why I didn't get to be "Astigin" when I was a kid..

I isolated myself.. most of the people I grew up with became strong..

most of them have families now..

I never want them to ever see me again..

Anyway.. right now, the saddest part of all is..

The people that once made things easier..

The people I shared my life with..

They already forgot about me.. Suppressed.. the memories..

It's like nothing ever happened..

Thanks for the memories though..

I hope we never get to see each other again..

And if ever we did.. I hope not to remember..

Shaking the Shackles 2...

I feel so sad.. How can doing something good turn out to be something bad.. or unwanted..

It's not like I have a vice or anything...

I'm no smoker..

I don't drink that much...

I don't spend compulsively..

Put your money where your mouth is..

Why don't you do the things you say?

All I wanted is to make you smile..

But still you took it the wrong way...

I am still the wrong one..

Past the point of No Return..

I feel like I'm really getting into deep..

I feel that there is no saving this..

I am already a part of this whole thing..

And the people are really rooting for me...

To take care of something they held so precious..

I wish not to break anything..

I wish you could see me..

Start looking at me..

As the one..

"You have brought me to that moment..

When words run dry.. to that moment..

When speech disappears.. into silence..."

Shaking the Shackles...

Fuck You!

Who are you to hurt me like this?!

I gave you everything..

I gave you all the time I could give..

I sacrificed a lot of things for you..

and you treat me like this?!

Fuck You!

Find someone who would meet your demands..

Find someone who will meet your expectations..

Find what makes you complete..

I won't take this anymore..

The Hurting Part of my Heart.. ;(

I will never push myself hard to anyone anymore..

You will never be a part of me anymore..

Whatever happened, didn't happen..

Everything's clearer..

Putting it all behind..

Already took away the hurting part..

Let myself throw everything out..

Keep me not from your heart..

And never even leave a part..

I am not the one..

And you deserve better..

Now is goodbye..

"It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time

I want whats yours and I want whats mine

I want you but I'm not giving in this time.."

Goodbye.. and Hello.. :)

2009

1) What accomplishments from 2009 are you most proud of?

Surviving Job Hunts. Surviving the Job. Acquiring Certificates.

2) What successes have you overlooked – that you might want to acknowledge yourself for now?

Slowly I'm opening up to people. Speaking for myself. Having Confidence.

3) What did you learn about yourself last year?

I've learned that I can do anything as long as I believe in myself.

4) In what way(s) have you grown? Who have you ‘become’ in the evolution of “you”?

I've become more open about the world.

5) What are you choosing to let go of this year so you can begin fresh in the New Year?

I find it hard to let go of things, but I will let go of these tangled strings. The best way to find the right answer is by the process of Ellimination. :D

6) What were the high points of the past year?

Migrating to US. Falling in Love. Whacky Adventures.

7) What inspiration will you carry forward in 2010?

Love has always been my inspiration. I will always be in Love.

8 ) How would you complete the following sentence: “This was the year of ___”

This was the year of Opportunities. Opportunities for Love and Success.

2010

1) What are you most looking forward to in 2010?

Studying! I really can't wait.

2) What do you want more of in 2010?

More Fun, More Challenges, More Opportunities, More Love, More Maturity, More Games! :D

3) What do you want less of?

Less Loneliness, Less Selfishness, Less Childishness

4) What new learning goals do you have for yourself for the year ahead?

I would like to get to know more about this screen. What makes it work. :D I want to speak Japanese fluently as well!

5) What other goals are important to you right now?

I would like to go back to the Philippines for a few days. I would like to lose a few pounds.

6) How will you actualize these goals?

I will save money! I will have to take care of myself more.

7) What plans/supports will you put in place to make them happen and keep you “on your game”?

I wish my inspirations just won't dare leave me.

8 ) How will you have fun this year?

Work Hard, Play Hard. :) Video Games + Movies + Travel = Fun

9) What will ‘balance’ look like to you this year? And how will you honour that?

Balance is giving enough time for everything. :)

10) What relationships will you invest more of yourself in this year?

I would love to have real friends.

11) In what way would you like to see yourself grow?

I would love to broaden my horizon by studying. I know new doors will open as soon as I get it done.

12) How would you complete the following sentence: “2010 will be the year of ___”

2010 will be the year of Success, A year where my dreams will come true! I will be Happy!

The Fear..

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taken over by The Fear

- Lily Allen, The Fear

Sinking myself deeper into the abyss of my mind..

Trying to hide from the fear that i feel inside..

I know some things are just not meant to be..

I don't want to try anymore.. Rejection hurts..

The truth is.. I want to move in..

I don't want to feel this loneliness..

But i'm not ready.. I need to have a job first..

I need to be self-sufficient..

That's the condition..

Unconditional Love doesn't really exist..

I want to be Happy...

How much is your Time?

I hate asking favors.. I don't want to be a burden..

But I am such a burden..

Everything's changing..

It's hard to change.. Specially when I don't want to..

Do I have to change myself to be happy..?

I think I know why I'm feeling like this..

[No one knows me anymore.]

No one is making effort to get to know me.. the real me..

No one even asks how I'm doing..

I feel so alone.. Unimportant.. Un-needed...

I think I know what I need.. A bestfriend..

Someone who would tell me everything's gonna be okay..

Someone who can tell me how strong I am, and show me my strengths..

Someone who will give some of his time for me..

Everybody seems so busy these days..

I think I know now.. Why I am writing this blog..

I made this blog so I could say everything I want to say.. What I really want to say..

What I really feel... A place to be myself...

I will be happy..

What is Wrong with Me? #>%@)%$

I don't know if there's something wrong with me.

I recently deleted most of the people on my Facebook account so I could have less distractions for the new year ahead. It made me sad because I'm a kind of person who likes concerning myself with things that doesn't usually concern me. I always want to know what's going on with other people. I know they don't need me, but do I need them?

I feel so lonely. Nobody gives much or enough attention to me. I want to do things but there's no one supporting me.. Maybe there really is something wrong with me. I hate how spend my whole day working, without co-workers or friends. I miss a friend's company. A place where I could be comfortable with.

Sigh..