Turmoil in Progress: December 2009

The Hurting Part of my Heart.. ;(

I will never push myself hard to anyone anymore..

You will never be a part of me anymore..

Whatever happened, didn't happen..

Everything's clearer..

Putting it all behind..

Already took away the hurting part..

Let myself throw everything out..

Keep me not from your heart..

And never even leave a part..

I am not the one..

And you deserve better..

Now is goodbye..

"It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time

I want whats yours and I want whats mine

I want you but I'm not giving in this time.."

Goodbye.. and Hello.. :)

2009

1) What accomplishments from 2009 are you most proud of?

Surviving Job Hunts. Surviving the Job. Acquiring Certificates.

2) What successes have you overlooked – that you might want to acknowledge yourself for now?

Slowly I'm opening up to people. Speaking for myself. Having Confidence.

3) What did you learn about yourself last year?

I've learned that I can do anything as long as I believe in myself.

4) In what way(s) have you grown? Who have you ‘become’ in the evolution of “you”?

I've become more open about the world.

5) What are you choosing to let go of this year so you can begin fresh in the New Year?

I find it hard to let go of things, but I will let go of these tangled strings. The best way to find the right answer is by the process of Ellimination. :D

6) What were the high points of the past year?

Migrating to US. Falling in Love. Whacky Adventures.

7) What inspiration will you carry forward in 2010?

Love has always been my inspiration. I will always be in Love.

8 ) How would you complete the following sentence: “This was the year of ___”

This was the year of Opportunities. Opportunities for Love and Success.

2010

1) What are you most looking forward to in 2010?

Studying! I really can't wait.

2) What do you want more of in 2010?

More Fun, More Challenges, More Opportunities, More Love, More Maturity, More Games! :D

3) What do you want less of?

Less Loneliness, Less Selfishness, Less Childishness

4) What new learning goals do you have for yourself for the year ahead?

I would like to get to know more about this screen. What makes it work. :D I want to speak Japanese fluently as well!

5) What other goals are important to you right now?

I would like to go back to the Philippines for a few days. I would like to lose a few pounds.

6) How will you actualize these goals?

I will save money! I will have to take care of myself more.

7) What plans/supports will you put in place to make them happen and keep you “on your game”?

I wish my inspirations just won't dare leave me.

8 ) How will you have fun this year?

Work Hard, Play Hard. :) Video Games + Movies + Travel = Fun

9) What will ‘balance’ look like to you this year? And how will you honour that?

Balance is giving enough time for everything. :)

10) What relationships will you invest more of yourself in this year?

I would love to have real friends.

11) In what way would you like to see yourself grow?

I would love to broaden my horizon by studying. I know new doors will open as soon as I get it done.

12) How would you complete the following sentence: “2010 will be the year of ___”

2010 will be the year of Success, A year where my dreams will come true! I will be Happy!

The Fear..

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taken over by The Fear

- Lily Allen, The Fear

Sinking myself deeper into the abyss of my mind..

Trying to hide from the fear that i feel inside..

I know some things are just not meant to be..

I don't want to try anymore.. Rejection hurts..

The truth is.. I want to move in..

I don't want to feel this loneliness..

But i'm not ready.. I need to have a job first..

I need to be self-sufficient..

That's the condition..

Unconditional Love doesn't really exist..

I want to be Happy...

How much is your Time?

I hate asking favors.. I don't want to be a burden..

But I am such a burden..

Everything's changing..

It's hard to change.. Specially when I don't want to..

Do I have to change myself to be happy..?

I think I know why I'm feeling like this..

[No one knows me anymore.]

No one is making effort to get to know me.. the real me..

No one even asks how I'm doing..

I feel so alone.. Unimportant.. Un-needed...

I think I know what I need.. A bestfriend..

Someone who would tell me everything's gonna be okay..

Someone who can tell me how strong I am, and show me my strengths..

Someone who will give some of his time for me..

Everybody seems so busy these days..

I think I know now.. Why I am writing this blog..

I made this blog so I could say everything I want to say.. What I really want to say..

What I really feel... A place to be myself...

I will be happy..

'09 Best Year of my Life [so far]

This year is the best year of my life. A year of countless opportunities, great people, unconditional love, broken promises, limitless hope, wet pillows, and dead ends...

The US migration. I thought things would be easier. I thought things would go as planned. But it seems things are more uncontrollable here than anywhere I've ever been. But even though, it is still the land of opportunities. There's a lot of things I could do here that I would just dream about doing back in Manila..

There's a lot of times that I just want to give up. Lots of times that I feel so alone. Like there's nobody out here who can help me. I am not used to feeling like this, specially in a foreign land. I am so afraid.. There are times where I cant stand up anymore.. But still the person you thought who could help you, would not extend his hand. It made me stronger, but it also made me selfish.

"Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around." - Vanilla Sky. What if I decided on the last minute before I boarded that plane, to just walk out and abandon going to the US? What could I be doing right now? Right this moment. What could you be doing? There's a zillion possibilities, but that won't matter anymore. Because right this minute is all that matters. Whether you choose to continue reading this or go back to what you were doing, It's your choice, And this choice will affect everything around you.

Love is the fuel of my body and soul. It gives me hope. The extra push that I need. This year, I felt love like no other. I am very thankful. I am still here because of you guys. I realized that a few real friends is more important than a lot of fake ones. I don't have to impress everyone. All I need is the ones that really matter.

Time is the best gift you could ever give to the one you love. I hope I have given all the time I could possibly give this year. It will show how much you mean to me.

I am gonna work hard and play hard next year. I will be a better person. For myself and for the ones I love. I will overcome this sadness. I will be happy. I WILL BE HAPPY!

What is Wrong with Me? #>%@)%$

I don't know if there's something wrong with me.

I recently deleted most of the people on my Facebook account so I could have less distractions for the new year ahead. It made me sad because I'm a kind of person who likes concerning myself with things that doesn't usually concern me. I always want to know what's going on with other people. I know they don't need me, but do I need them?

I feel so lonely. Nobody gives much or enough attention to me. I want to do things but there's no one supporting me.. Maybe there really is something wrong with me. I hate how spend my whole day working, without co-workers or friends. I miss a friend's company. A place where I could be comfortable with.

Sigh..